It is a busy time of year, so I would love to share the seasonally appropriate way I'm going to play with my inner child today, for seventeen seconds:
Each year, I secretly wish I could have a completely different Christmas tree. So, today I'm going to decorate a Christmas tree with my inner child.
Is it a giant tree or dinky and precious?
Is it flocked? Sparkly? Green and fresh?
What color lights are we going to choose?
Are the ornaments going to match? Different colors or a color theme?
We may need a ladder for that glowing angel on the top!
Hey, we could put on wings and be angels, too!
Merry Christmas Eve!
Whether you are a parent or not, I hope what I share here helps you find hope and tools that help us feel whole... Please pass this blog on to anyone you know that has experienced sadness, disappointment, trauma, abandonment, or anger in their past. What am I talking about: The more I get to parent, the more I realize how important it is for me to heal my own emotional baggage, so I can be an emotionally healthy example as we guide the next generation to be all that they can be.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Securing Myself
Some of us wish we could go back in time to repair, build, or improve our own secure attachments.
I have a close relationship with both my parents now. Even though I have no complaints about my childhood, the inner child in each of us still wishes he or she had had something more.
What child is happy when told, "No," or that he or she can't have all the candy they want. Even when I had a mom that didn't hold back on the sugar, I still have society's influence making me feel like I can't have everything I want.
Anyway, the key is meeting and building a relationship with the inner child within. I've been spending 17 seconds with my inner child, and the healing has begun.
Our ten year old has been finding out what her inner child likes to do for fun. Our twelve year old has been feeding her inner child all the chocolate straws she wants!
Go find a picture of yourself when you were little. Pull it out of the album and put it next to your bed. Smile at your little you.
I have a close relationship with both my parents now. Even though I have no complaints about my childhood, the inner child in each of us still wishes he or she had had something more.
What child is happy when told, "No," or that he or she can't have all the candy they want. Even when I had a mom that didn't hold back on the sugar, I still have society's influence making me feel like I can't have everything I want.
Anyway, the key is meeting and building a relationship with the inner child within. I've been spending 17 seconds with my inner child, and the healing has begun.
Our ten year old has been finding out what her inner child likes to do for fun. Our twelve year old has been feeding her inner child all the chocolate straws she wants!
Go find a picture of yourself when you were little. Pull it out of the album and put it next to your bed. Smile at your little you.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Security
Who wants to feel secure?
Psychology says a secure bond between a child and caregiver is important. Statistics show that babies with a secure attachment with at least one caregiver grow up to have healthy relationships with teachers, friends, future mates, etc.
Who doesn't want that for not only our own children? But wouldn't it be wonderful if every human felt secure and had healthy relationships?
Even if you are not a parent, you have met a child who needed security: a student, a relative, a child in the grocery store.
As a teacher, I often felt helpless. I wanted to take some of my students home and make everything all better. After trying a million different things, I finally realized the only thing I could do was be the best teacher I could be.
That meant starting with me, taking better care of myself with enough rest, exercise, meditation, and writing. I began healing my own stuff. My classroom instantly reflected the change.
Now that I am a step-mother, I don't have as much time for these healthy behaviors. Still, I want to help the girls feel secure.
Although they were securely attached with at least one primary caregiver, I wasn't there at the beginning of their lives to foster a secure attachment to me. Is it too late? How can I give them this gift?
I realized I can start with myself.
And this time, it only takes 17 seconds! Stay tuned...
Psychology says a secure bond between a child and caregiver is important. Statistics show that babies with a secure attachment with at least one caregiver grow up to have healthy relationships with teachers, friends, future mates, etc.
Who doesn't want that for not only our own children? But wouldn't it be wonderful if every human felt secure and had healthy relationships?
Even if you are not a parent, you have met a child who needed security: a student, a relative, a child in the grocery store.
As a teacher, I often felt helpless. I wanted to take some of my students home and make everything all better. After trying a million different things, I finally realized the only thing I could do was be the best teacher I could be.
That meant starting with me, taking better care of myself with enough rest, exercise, meditation, and writing. I began healing my own stuff. My classroom instantly reflected the change.
Now that I am a step-mother, I don't have as much time for these healthy behaviors. Still, I want to help the girls feel secure.
Although they were securely attached with at least one primary caregiver, I wasn't there at the beginning of their lives to foster a secure attachment to me. Is it too late? How can I give them this gift?
I realized I can start with myself.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Adjusting
It’s been almost eight months since I’ve updated this blog. I read the last entry and am amazed at the journey since then.
I can tell you that the girls have had a hard time, a healing time, sadness and growth. For the first three months of living with us, they missed their mom. The next three months, we began to have breakthroughs and learned it was safe to communicate and be a team.
The girls did end up lashing out about not getting to see their mom; they wrote on their walls and dresser. They covered the dresser with a sheet and the walls with paper. The paper fell down. We wrote back to them on the dresser, telling them how much we love them. Next, I modeled cleaning off my writing with various cleaning products, not giving up until it came off. Their writing had been on longer or a different kind of pen had been used, so it didn’t come off the dresser. The Mr. Clean eraser often worked on the wall, but not always. We told them that before they could spend any of their Christmas money on anything else, they would have to buy enough paint to paint the room and dresser. We moved on with life, acting as if everything is normal. The counselor later told me that that is an essential step: letting the kids know that nothing they do or say phases the routine or the stability. When they wanted to buy Valentine’s decorations, their dad helped them first figure out how much paint they needed. He took them to the hardware store, and they bought a gallon of paint, some paint brushes, and more erasers. As of July, they have repainted the dresser. The walls, they are a different story.
Once supervised visitations started at the beginning of April, the nine year old regressed and became unable to sleep alone as she had done for four years. Her tummy aches turned out to be nerves. She realized she didn’t want to see her mom anymore. The tummy aches went away when she started choosing to stay with her Dad during that hour instead. However, depression set in in May, and the little girl who loved school suddenly cried each weekday and couldn’t go to school. We have tried all kinds of things, each for about two weeks before trying something new. I bought books for her and for me. We tried all kinds of de-stressing tools. We have tried all kinds of sleeping arrangements with the goal of at least getting all of us some good sleep, so we could better deal with things. Sleep deprivation is an awful thing to mix in with court stress, depression, and the need to feel safe and secure.
After getting better sleep, I started thinking outside of the box. We’ve set up a bed in the office with a peaceful mural on the wall. We take turns sleeping there, with the hopes that Aubra can eventually make that her room. She is now sleeping by herself and has left for camp excited instead of full of anxiety. While they are at camp, I plan on rearranging closets to get us one step closer to Aubra feeling ready for her own room.
The now 12 year old is definitely ready for her own room! She has been a trooper, growing and blooming like a beautiful, hearty weed. She amazes us! We have taken wheat and all possible gluten out of our diets. Since the transition, all her Asperger-type symptoms have disappeared. She is so much more positive and wise. Conversations are now easy and comfortable. Even in the midst of losing a mom and two best friends, she lives each day with courage and grace!
Maybe when we divide their room into two, we can paint the walls. Anyone else want a peaceful mural?
Court is over. The psych eval and court process showed that their mom is a danger to their medical and psychological health. I am embarking on the new experience of being allowed to be the full time mom. It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to be this bad for me to feel like my being the only mom is the best thing for them. I never thought that this honor would be given to me. I was nervous about this summer being my first time having the girls 24/7 without even the school day as a distraction. It has been a good summer, though. The girls still call me by my name, but they seem to be referring to me as their mom to others.
It feels good to live each day without the drama. We are all healing in our own time and manner, and things look like it’ll all be okay. One day, one moment at a time, we are becoming the family I always dreamed of having.
I can tell you that the girls have had a hard time, a healing time, sadness and growth. For the first three months of living with us, they missed their mom. The next three months, we began to have breakthroughs and learned it was safe to communicate and be a team.
The girls did end up lashing out about not getting to see their mom; they wrote on their walls and dresser. They covered the dresser with a sheet and the walls with paper. The paper fell down. We wrote back to them on the dresser, telling them how much we love them. Next, I modeled cleaning off my writing with various cleaning products, not giving up until it came off. Their writing had been on longer or a different kind of pen had been used, so it didn’t come off the dresser. The Mr. Clean eraser often worked on the wall, but not always. We told them that before they could spend any of their Christmas money on anything else, they would have to buy enough paint to paint the room and dresser. We moved on with life, acting as if everything is normal. The counselor later told me that that is an essential step: letting the kids know that nothing they do or say phases the routine or the stability. When they wanted to buy Valentine’s decorations, their dad helped them first figure out how much paint they needed. He took them to the hardware store, and they bought a gallon of paint, some paint brushes, and more erasers. As of July, they have repainted the dresser. The walls, they are a different story.
Once supervised visitations started at the beginning of April, the nine year old regressed and became unable to sleep alone as she had done for four years. Her tummy aches turned out to be nerves. She realized she didn’t want to see her mom anymore. The tummy aches went away when she started choosing to stay with her Dad during that hour instead. However, depression set in in May, and the little girl who loved school suddenly cried each weekday and couldn’t go to school. We have tried all kinds of things, each for about two weeks before trying something new. I bought books for her and for me. We tried all kinds of de-stressing tools. We have tried all kinds of sleeping arrangements with the goal of at least getting all of us some good sleep, so we could better deal with things. Sleep deprivation is an awful thing to mix in with court stress, depression, and the need to feel safe and secure.
After getting better sleep, I started thinking outside of the box. We’ve set up a bed in the office with a peaceful mural on the wall. We take turns sleeping there, with the hopes that Aubra can eventually make that her room. She is now sleeping by herself and has left for camp excited instead of full of anxiety. While they are at camp, I plan on rearranging closets to get us one step closer to Aubra feeling ready for her own room.
The now 12 year old is definitely ready for her own room! She has been a trooper, growing and blooming like a beautiful, hearty weed. She amazes us! We have taken wheat and all possible gluten out of our diets. Since the transition, all her Asperger-type symptoms have disappeared. She is so much more positive and wise. Conversations are now easy and comfortable. Even in the midst of losing a mom and two best friends, she lives each day with courage and grace!
Maybe when we divide their room into two, we can paint the walls. Anyone else want a peaceful mural?
Court is over. The psych eval and court process showed that their mom is a danger to their medical and psychological health. I am embarking on the new experience of being allowed to be the full time mom. It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to be this bad for me to feel like my being the only mom is the best thing for them. I never thought that this honor would be given to me. I was nervous about this summer being my first time having the girls 24/7 without even the school day as a distraction. It has been a good summer, though. The girls still call me by my name, but they seem to be referring to me as their mom to others.
It feels good to live each day without the drama. We are all healing in our own time and manner, and things look like it’ll all be okay. One day, one moment at a time, we are becoming the family I always dreamed of having.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
You Live With Us Now
The judge said they will remain with us full time until at least Feb. 6th. That means they will not get to see their mom for Christmas. That must be hard! Wow! I can't even imagine. I think I've had one Christmas without my mom, but my sister was there. At least the girls have each other.
And they have a wonderful family that takes them to the Nutcracker, teaches them how to sew, plays games with them, and spends quality time conversing and laughing!
I thought that today would be wipe out, after we told them last night. There were some delayed tears and one of the girls was angry for less than a 1/2 hour after they learned their fate & found out we don't know when they'll see their mom. But today was wonderful! Wow! I am so pleasantly surprised and totally blessed!
I wonder how it will go once it settles in their brains that living with us full time is not temporary...
And they have a wonderful family that takes them to the Nutcracker, teaches them how to sew, plays games with them, and spends quality time conversing and laughing!
I thought that today would be wipe out, after we told them last night. There were some delayed tears and one of the girls was angry for less than a 1/2 hour after they learned their fate & found out we don't know when they'll see their mom. But today was wonderful! Wow! I am so pleasantly surprised and totally blessed!
I wonder how it will go once it settles in their brains that living with us full time is not temporary...
Friday, December 9, 2011
Adjusting Just Fine
I thought I'd update you with good stuff! The girls are doing better all the time! They are getting used to the routine and remembering more of it on their own. They are able to reflect more positively on their days now. Before, it would have been a great day, and they'd say it was ok or not good. It's like they have permission to enjoy their life and their family now. There was only one exception with the temporary setback after the ex wife's boyfriend visited the oldest daughter at school. That was scary! It was like the healing process had to start all over again.
The nine year old is growing up so much and making responsible decisions. One Wednesday, after a sleepover the Saturday before, she announced she was going to eat early and go to bed early, so she'd have an easier time waking up in the morning. OK! She also set up a treasure hunt with a sweet card at the end that said I had made it all the way through the treasure hunt..."all the way into our family! I love you soooo much!"
The eleven year old actually likes middle school! She is drawing again and feeling good about it. She's writing to her friend in Idaho often now, which I think is good! When she told Dad about getting to wear a hat at school on Friday if you pay 50 cents and he offered the money to her, she said, "Well I think Lori already said no, so you better talk to her about that." She earned it by rinsing out the cabbage cutter (after he turned 9 heads of cabbage into saurkraut). She gets into a disagreeable mood the PMS and period weeks (with "but..." when an adult offers empathy or a solution), but she seems to be coming out of that again and back to her intelligent and wonderful self.
There were about 3 times where I could tell the younger one was missing mom, but we got through them unscathed. You can't tell as much with the older one, but they left out a note on the bathroom counter talking about it. It seemed like they wanted us to find it. I think that is smart. We can act accordingly as a result. The whole topic is much better than I had predicted it would be, though.
They don't yet know how permanent living with us is, since we didn't know what the judge will decide after their mom has a psychological evaluation and proves she can follow the psychologist's recommendations. I don't know, maybe they do know on some level...they are excited about the idea of moving to Germany where I can teach and asked all kinds of questions but never once asked what that would mean for seeing their mom.
Life is good! Luke is driving a taxi like crazy, and I am doing an internship with A Family For Every Child for credit toward my teaching certificate. I love their efforts to connect foster kids with adoptive families for a Forever Family.
The ex wife has put all her eggs in the appeal basket, so as of yet, she isn't proceeding with the psych eval that the judge ordered as a condition to see the girls. I wonder what that will mean for visitation. I guess we'll find out on December 19th.
In the meantime, our family is enjoying Christmas decorations, saurkraut, movies about Berlin, learning German, and spending time with family.
Much love and holiday warmth to you and yours,
Lori
The nine year old is growing up so much and making responsible decisions. One Wednesday, after a sleepover the Saturday before, she announced she was going to eat early and go to bed early, so she'd have an easier time waking up in the morning. OK! She also set up a treasure hunt with a sweet card at the end that said I had made it all the way through the treasure hunt..."all the way into our family! I love you soooo much!"
The eleven year old actually likes middle school! She is drawing again and feeling good about it. She's writing to her friend in Idaho often now, which I think is good! When she told Dad about getting to wear a hat at school on Friday if you pay 50 cents and he offered the money to her, she said, "Well I think Lori already said no, so you better talk to her about that." She earned it by rinsing out the cabbage cutter (after he turned 9 heads of cabbage into saurkraut). She gets into a disagreeable mood the PMS and period weeks (with "but..." when an adult offers empathy or a solution), but she seems to be coming out of that again and back to her intelligent and wonderful self.
There were about 3 times where I could tell the younger one was missing mom, but we got through them unscathed. You can't tell as much with the older one, but they left out a note on the bathroom counter talking about it. It seemed like they wanted us to find it. I think that is smart. We can act accordingly as a result. The whole topic is much better than I had predicted it would be, though.
They don't yet know how permanent living with us is, since we didn't know what the judge will decide after their mom has a psychological evaluation and proves she can follow the psychologist's recommendations. I don't know, maybe they do know on some level...they are excited about the idea of moving to Germany where I can teach and asked all kinds of questions but never once asked what that would mean for seeing their mom.
Life is good! Luke is driving a taxi like crazy, and I am doing an internship with A Family For Every Child for credit toward my teaching certificate. I love their efforts to connect foster kids with adoptive families for a Forever Family.
The ex wife has put all her eggs in the appeal basket, so as of yet, she isn't proceeding with the psych eval that the judge ordered as a condition to see the girls. I wonder what that will mean for visitation. I guess we'll find out on December 19th.
In the meantime, our family is enjoying Christmas decorations, saurkraut, movies about Berlin, learning German, and spending time with family.
Much love and holiday warmth to you and yours,
Lori
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
All Said and Done?
Hello again!
I have refrained from posting while we were in the midst of going to court about the girls' welfare. I didn't want to just vent my many and varied feelings before finding out if those feelings were justified, at least in the eyes of the law.
A judgment has been made. We are adjusting accordingly. We are getting back to real life.
But for the past few months, I have felt so many emotions. I felt like no one in the outside, official world would ever see for themselves the behavior we witnessed and suspected. I felt angry at the girls for going along with their mom's shenanigans to prove their love and loyalty. I felt stabbed in the back each time some wonderful memory or plan we'd made together got twisted into something ugly. I felt sad each time the younger daughter refused to hug the father she had just hugged and loved a week ago. I wondered if the girls would ever understand how certain things were not in their best interest. My heart hurt that the girls would someday realize that their mom's lack of boundaries was putting them in jeopardy. I felt frustrated that their bad habit of complaining about their father to please their mother might actually cause them to lose time with her.
In 2008, although worried about the girls' mother, we sincerely hoped that the 50/50 parenting time schedule would be healthy for everyone. By 2009, we could tell that it wasn't. However, the judge said that there was not enough evidence to show a significant change, nor did he have enough information to determine if this schedule would impact the girls in a negative manner. He kept it the same.
We continued to send the girls with angels each time. We tried to find the positives instead of harping on the negatives of the situation. We wondered how things were really going, but we had no way of knowing.
Turns out that 2 more years was enough to help Mom make it all too obvious how things were going all by herself. She had endangered the girls in medical and emotional ways, and there was a heap of evidence about this provided by the police, the doctor, the counselor, the Department of Human Services, and even her own witnesses, including a live-in boyfriend involved in at least 8 bank robberies. However, only some of them were armed. Oh, and he only served time twice.
To be fair, she claims that we are abusing the girls. She says we are doing this by trying to hug them, have family meetings, & keeping a journal/scrapbook. The DHS reports have all been closed as "unfounded". The saddest part is the parental/family/doctor/counselor alienation that Mom and boyfriend carry out by helping the girls believe that anything we do that they don't like is abuse. They help the girls exaggerate and tell stories to anyone that will listen and hopefully report us. The worst is repeatedly bringing up the ever evolving and twisted story of how Dad strangled the younger daughter when all he was doing was carrying her to timeout, holding her flailing body tightly, for hurting her sister.
I probably sound partial. It's just so frustrating to hear all this ick when I witness, everyday, a home that is warm, stable, healthy, sound, and fun. My husband is the kind of father most of us wish we'd had. He's even equipped with a silly voice that he uses when he plays with the girls and speaks for the stuffed animals or dolls. I just think that it is only fair to allow the girls to enjoy this time with their father and me, instead of being made to feel like that would hurt Mommy in some way.
My being a birth mother that gave up a child for adoption has always made me feel like the relationship/bond/love between a mother and child is sacred. Now, I feel the same way about that with the father, too.
So, the verdict. For now, mom's time is suspended until she gets a psych evaluation to determine what she needs to do to be safe around the children. Then, every other weekend. In the meantime, we get a couple of months to adjust to stability, routine, happiness, and being allowed to just be kids (all 4 of us)!
A special thank you to all of you who kept us in your prayers! Your support has meant soooooo much!
I have refrained from posting while we were in the midst of going to court about the girls' welfare. I didn't want to just vent my many and varied feelings before finding out if those feelings were justified, at least in the eyes of the law.
A judgment has been made. We are adjusting accordingly. We are getting back to real life.
But for the past few months, I have felt so many emotions. I felt like no one in the outside, official world would ever see for themselves the behavior we witnessed and suspected. I felt angry at the girls for going along with their mom's shenanigans to prove their love and loyalty. I felt stabbed in the back each time some wonderful memory or plan we'd made together got twisted into something ugly. I felt sad each time the younger daughter refused to hug the father she had just hugged and loved a week ago. I wondered if the girls would ever understand how certain things were not in their best interest. My heart hurt that the girls would someday realize that their mom's lack of boundaries was putting them in jeopardy. I felt frustrated that their bad habit of complaining about their father to please their mother might actually cause them to lose time with her.
In 2008, although worried about the girls' mother, we sincerely hoped that the 50/50 parenting time schedule would be healthy for everyone. By 2009, we could tell that it wasn't. However, the judge said that there was not enough evidence to show a significant change, nor did he have enough information to determine if this schedule would impact the girls in a negative manner. He kept it the same.
We continued to send the girls with angels each time. We tried to find the positives instead of harping on the negatives of the situation. We wondered how things were really going, but we had no way of knowing.
Turns out that 2 more years was enough to help Mom make it all too obvious how things were going all by herself. She had endangered the girls in medical and emotional ways, and there was a heap of evidence about this provided by the police, the doctor, the counselor, the Department of Human Services, and even her own witnesses, including a live-in boyfriend involved in at least 8 bank robberies. However, only some of them were armed. Oh, and he only served time twice.
To be fair, she claims that we are abusing the girls. She says we are doing this by trying to hug them, have family meetings, & keeping a journal/scrapbook. The DHS reports have all been closed as "unfounded". The saddest part is the parental/family/doctor/counselor alienation that Mom and boyfriend carry out by helping the girls believe that anything we do that they don't like is abuse. They help the girls exaggerate and tell stories to anyone that will listen and hopefully report us. The worst is repeatedly bringing up the ever evolving and twisted story of how Dad strangled the younger daughter when all he was doing was carrying her to timeout, holding her flailing body tightly, for hurting her sister.
I probably sound partial. It's just so frustrating to hear all this ick when I witness, everyday, a home that is warm, stable, healthy, sound, and fun. My husband is the kind of father most of us wish we'd had. He's even equipped with a silly voice that he uses when he plays with the girls and speaks for the stuffed animals or dolls. I just think that it is only fair to allow the girls to enjoy this time with their father and me, instead of being made to feel like that would hurt Mommy in some way.
My being a birth mother that gave up a child for adoption has always made me feel like the relationship/bond/love between a mother and child is sacred. Now, I feel the same way about that with the father, too.
So, the verdict. For now, mom's time is suspended until she gets a psych evaluation to determine what she needs to do to be safe around the children. Then, every other weekend. In the meantime, we get a couple of months to adjust to stability, routine, happiness, and being allowed to just be kids (all 4 of us)!
A special thank you to all of you who kept us in your prayers! Your support has meant soooooo much!
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