Mother's Day without my Girls

Since I am a birth mother, my biological child will spend Mother's Day with her adoptive mom.

Since I am a step-mom, my step-daughters spend Mother's Day with their biological mom.

Mother's Day has been hard on me after having a baby at 17 and giving her up. It is probably meant to be that I don't ever have the little girls on that day, in case I need to let the tears come.

Yesterday, I thought I'd be fine. We had had a "Mother's Day/May birthdays" celebration last Saturday. The girls made darling gifts with the scrapbooking stuff that we won at a BINGO Night raffle. They made me little tiny pocket journals, since I like to write wherever I go. They also picked out lovely cards! The 9 year old's card was full of amazing words of affirmation. I felt so honored that she picked out such a card and felt that it was just right for her feelings toward me. The younger one picked a sweet card and then wrote in the back about how if she weren't already my daughter, she would be begging to be. She even had a picture of herself on her knees begging me. I truly felt appreciated and loved!

I also thought I'd be fine, since the 21 year old had called on Thursday and said she'd call on Mother's Day as she has ever since we met when she was 17. Everything was going well for her. I feel her gratitude and love consistently, even when I don't hear from her during busy times. She's told me that it helps to have a mirror, someone to understand her genetics and her feelings. She has told me that I'm a good listener, that I don't judge. She and I progress nicely without ever taking a step back.

Still, I had tears under the surface as I painted the kitchen. It was hard to get dressed and go out to meet my own mom and grandmother at the movie. I went but without make-up. Yet, I still climbed a tree. I still enjoyed time with my husband. I still made it to sleep. I still got up this morning.

Ok, so next time, I'll ask my mom if we can do a movie on Saturday instead. I'll send angels to all my girls whenever they are not in my presence. I'll take care of myself when the tears come. I'll be a good mommy and know that grieving my lost motherhood times is ok, too.