My Body, Her Body...Aint' NO BODY'S Business!

The daughter that I gave up for adoption is driving across the country with her mom. She's on her way home from college. I sincerely hope they are making wonderful memories! But the road is full of pit stops, and that could be a problem.

She really loves her mom, dad, and sister. She is very loyal. While away at college, she talks to her mom daily on the phone.

She loves me, too. That love is completely separate from the love she has for her adoptive mother. She has a big heart and feels that family is important. We met when she was only seventeen, and, even then, she was anxious to add all my relatives to her family. Her relationship with me and my family is not a threat to her relationship with her adoptive mom and family. Her relationship with them is not a threat to her love for us.

But there is one topic that causes tension between them that does involve me and my family and our genes. Our body type is very different than that of her adoptive family's body type. Our daughter has been raised to hate her body with words of advice given time and again about what she should and should not eat and made to feel guilty any time she sat on a couch to relax instead of being out exercising. Each time she takes a bite, she feels like someone is watching her.

Saying a prayer before we eat comes from thanking God, but it also comes from thanking the food, the plant or the animal so that it blesses our body with health. Feeling guilty is the exact opposite! That means that regardless of what food she puts in her mouth, it will not be healthy for her cells. With each bite, she hates herself more.

It makes me angry and defensive. It makes me want to protect my child from being bullied. I want to shake the adoptive mother and say, "You are insulting her genes. You are saying she is not already perfect. You are making her feel that your acceptance is conditional and based on the number on the scale. If your pressuring her about her weight hasn't worked yet, it isn't going to help if you say it one more time. Pressuring her has made things worse. Do you want her to enjoy coming home for the holidays, or do you want her to feel the stress of knowing it won't be comfortable and relaxed and without judgment?"

Yet I would never actually call her up or email her with these points. It would cause more friction. The last thing I want to do is make my daughter feel uncomfortable by upsetting her mother. I won't say anything. My daughter already has expressed her frustration. It hasn't helped, though. Their dynamic is not my business. But when the topic that causes tension is my fault, it sure is hard not to blame myself. Yet again, I feel helpless.

The only thing I can do is offer unconditional love on my end. I can model a life of happiness regardless of how much I weigh. I can show her the joy of eating my wedding cake. I can pray that one day she'll feel good about her own wedding cake and love her body as much as her future husband will, regardless of the size of the wedding dress.