School Clothes

Is it really that time again?  The ads for back to school specials are out!

I loved shopping for school clothes when I was little.  I remember how Mom showed us that the $100 would go much farther if we bought clothes that we could mix and match in the same color schemes.  I enjoyed trying them on to show Dad in a "fashion show".

I had dreams of enjoying this process with my own kids.  I didn't get to do this with the daughter I gave up for adoption.  It has been nice to see that her parents helped her learn how to, as my Mom put it, "look presentable". She is beautiful and definitely presentable!

I was so excited to be blessed with two step daughters!  I love the girlie stuff! The first year I helped them get ready for school, I took the lead from my new mother-in-law with dividing clothing up into "school clothes" and "play clothes".  This had been a new step for them, since they had been home-schooled before and often wore layers of fairy skirts and princess dresses most of the time.

I have to be careful.  Their mom, with whom they live every other week, let's them wear whatever they want.  Even when we showed the judge pictures of one of them in outfits we thought were inappropriate for a little girl in public, he said it was a parenting choice.  Changing out of "clothes from Mom's house" has to be handled in a way that doesn't insult the girls, their mom, or the clothing.  I just say that I want to wash them and keep them safe in the "mom drawer", so that we are respecting them instead of getting them dirty.  Playing in these clothes in the back yard with the dog and noticing they smelled like the dog was a good example that I used to show this.

When I tried to introduce "matching" at our house, I got mixed reviews. They didn't understand the point, that is for sure!  It was hard to match random shirts and pants from the local thrift store, so it was something with which they needed a lot of help.  One daughter would let me pick out her clothes often and then other times tell me "matching is bullshit!"   The other daughter said she was interested in learning more about matching better (e.g. shades of the same color that do or don't work), just not yet.

The next year, I tried taking each one shopping alone, so we could have some one-on-one time.  Each girl brought a favorite piece of clothing to match with other pieces in the store.  One girl wore the outfits together and liked knowing they were a combo.  The other never did wear the shirts WITH the skirt they were bought to accompany.

This year, we can't afford to go shopping.  Their drawers are FULL of hand-me-downs that work just fine.  They feel like they have a lot of options, and they even got rid of a lot of clothes to make room in their drawers.

This year, I'll continue to model wearing matching clothes.  I'll continue to giggle when one of the girls tells me that I should change into a different pair of shoes that match better.  But as for the girls, I think that we'll just focus on jeans as a compromise. I'll back off and just emphasize that anything goes with jeans.  I haven't even started on the shoes yet.  Maybe it is a good thing, though.  I don't need to turn them into a shoe-aholic like I used to be.  Besides, having a sense of their own style can be empowering.  In some ways, I wish I had the guts to walk outside the box more often!

What more could a step mom ask for?

It's not even Mother's Day, yet I received a whole bunch of wonderful gifts from my children today!

1) The 9 year old started out our cuddle time this morning saying that she was thinking about all the ways that her life would be different without me in her life, and all the things were good!

2) At our "Family Thinking Night" meeting, the girls decided that they officially want to call me Mom and WANT me to help them remember if they forget!

3) The girls made precious cards and yummy cookies for our anniversary (with the help of Grandma). The cards said stuff like, "...adventure...journey...family...favorite...angels...LOVE...friends...forever...magic..."!!!

What more can a step mom ask for?

Perpective of a Mother who Gave a Child up for Adoption & a Step-Mom all Wrapped into One

Making parenting decisions gets tricky when you aren’t the primary parent.

I am a "tummy mommy" and a "heart mommy".

I am a step-mom to two wonderful little girls, Tracy and Ashly, ages 9 and 7. My husband has custody, but the girls go back and forth between our house and their mom’s apartment week on, week off.

What kind of voice am I to have? What am I allowed to do or say? The lawyer said my role, legally, is perceived as supporting the parents. He said that I really don’t count. To my husband, I am a vital sounding board and have a strong voice that he respects. With him, I’m able to admit my preferences and stand up for our future as a family, yet we know that he gets the final say and that I will support him no matter if I agree or not. To the girls, I am a mom. They constantly remind me that I count. Time after time, they open their huge hearts to let me in, love my family, and fill our moments with joy. To them, I am a "heart mommy". The ex-wife ignores me or vilifies me in turn, depending on her present state of mind and emotion.

Yet she is the mother of my children. The girls have a place in their hearts for her that shall always be sacred.

I understand this need, for I am also a birth mother or "tummy mommy" who gave up a child for adoption. For twenty-one years, I have prayed that the adoptive parents would respect the place I have in my daughter’s heart and life. During these years, I have had to practice sacrificing my own preferences and desires for the comfort of their family. For twenty years before I had step-children, I swore I’d be a good parent, if I ever got the chance again. I wanted to do it right the next time.

I was a teacher and am a member of a big family. For two decades, I observed parenting and made mental notes about what I would and wouldn’t do. I took classes about parenting and behavior management for my classroom. I read books and unpacked my emotional baggage, making sure my heart was healed and ready to open wide for some precious little soul someday.

So now I must do a double take before uttering any words to my children. I must take into account the feelings and desires of these beautiful young ladies, all of their parents, our families, friends and supporters. We all count. Even me.

Maybe this makes me a better parent? It certainly makes me a careful parent, a very careful mother.