Perpective of a Mother who Gave a Child up for Adoption & a Step-Mom all Wrapped into One

Making parenting decisions gets tricky when you aren’t the primary parent.

I am a "tummy mommy" and a "heart mommy".

I am a step-mom to two wonderful little girls, Tracy and Ashly, ages 9 and 7. My husband has custody, but the girls go back and forth between our house and their mom’s apartment week on, week off.

What kind of voice am I to have? What am I allowed to do or say? The lawyer said my role, legally, is perceived as supporting the parents. He said that I really don’t count. To my husband, I am a vital sounding board and have a strong voice that he respects. With him, I’m able to admit my preferences and stand up for our future as a family, yet we know that he gets the final say and that I will support him no matter if I agree or not. To the girls, I am a mom. They constantly remind me that I count. Time after time, they open their huge hearts to let me in, love my family, and fill our moments with joy. To them, I am a "heart mommy". The ex-wife ignores me or vilifies me in turn, depending on her present state of mind and emotion.

Yet she is the mother of my children. The girls have a place in their hearts for her that shall always be sacred.

I understand this need, for I am also a birth mother or "tummy mommy" who gave up a child for adoption. For twenty-one years, I have prayed that the adoptive parents would respect the place I have in my daughter’s heart and life. During these years, I have had to practice sacrificing my own preferences and desires for the comfort of their family. For twenty years before I had step-children, I swore I’d be a good parent, if I ever got the chance again. I wanted to do it right the next time.

I was a teacher and am a member of a big family. For two decades, I observed parenting and made mental notes about what I would and wouldn’t do. I took classes about parenting and behavior management for my classroom. I read books and unpacked my emotional baggage, making sure my heart was healed and ready to open wide for some precious little soul someday.

So now I must do a double take before uttering any words to my children. I must take into account the feelings and desires of these beautiful young ladies, all of their parents, our families, friends and supporters. We all count. Even me.

Maybe this makes me a better parent? It certainly makes me a careful parent, a very careful mother.