Mini lesson #1 that I learned from my kids: Right Now I Unconditionally Love You!

Since we have our two young ladies every other week, we often notice how much more grown up they seem when they come back from being with their mother.  It is amazing!  I feel blessed to get these "Oh wow!" moments so often.  It reminds me to stay in this moment, because they are going to change again.

This "staying present" is an essential tool.  When we hear inaccurate reports from the ex-wife about what the girls have said, we never know who is twisting the story.  However, having done research about the mental illnesses that the ex-wife has, I know that telling her what she wants to hear is one of the tools that the girls have at their disposal to help their mother feel better and, therefore, make their relationship with her feel more comfortable.  However, these stories are often very hurtful. I get to deal with feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, and bewilderment during the week when they are gone.

On the day that they return, I often feel nervous about how things will go.  I never want to take my anger out on them.  I am not supposed to question them about the truth.  I'm just supposed to love them unconditionally.  On Mondays, I tend to doubt myself and wonder how I can do this.  Then, when I pull up in front of the house, one of them stands at the door ready to greet me with a hug and the other comes out to help carry stuff in from the car.  I see their smiles and I realize, "This moment, right here, right now is okay.  We do love each other unconditionally right now.  Many right nows add up to a life full of unconditional love!"

Expected: Tired and Cranky

My husband and I get to spend a week at a time with my wonderful stepdaughters every other week.  Then, they go spend a week with their mother.  We worry about how things go when they are not with us, and their mother worries about them when they are not with her.  I guess that is what parents do.  At one point we worried too much and tried to adjust the arrangement by going to court.  The only thing that came out of that was a lot of stress, a better holiday schedule, and some big lessons for me on letting go in situations I can not control.  For as bad as their mother thinks it is when they are with us, it is really the other extreme: precious, special, meaningful, and fun.  What if that is true for their time with her?  What if we think that it is so horrible when, really, they might be experiencing and learning all the things they signed up for when they chose her for a mother from heaven before they came down here to be with us?    They might even have fun with her sometimes!  What if they do love all their parents no matter what?  What if they feel loved by all their parents.  Is that so bad?

It's spring, and sometimes that affects people in good and bad ways.  As we notice another cycle of concern with their mother, we see the effects on our girls when they come to us tired and cranky.  I've tried feeling frustrated about this.  We've tried making sure they catch up on rest during our week.  We've talked about not taking frustration out on others. But this week, I realized a new approach that might work a whole lot better.  First, I realized that a bad week for our girls is like a good week for other kids and this deserves appreciation.  Next, I remembered that when I released expectations about my sister and our relationship, I was free of disappointment and thrilled when an unexpected good interaction frosted my cake!  That's what I could do: expect that they will come to us exhausted and cranky, even plan for it.  Then, if they are, we will have made room in our week to nurture them with cuddling, refreshing walks, quiet times, reading stories or other quality time.  If not, then we can add some things to the schedule and enjoy some frosting of our own.  This is better than being cranky and tired of the situation myself!

Maybe they get more out of being with each of their parents sometimes than they would out of never getting to see any of us.  And maybe, we are better parents as a result!

Positive Children's Books

Louise L. Hay:
* I Think, I Am!:  Teaching Kids the Power of Affirmations
* The Adventures of Lulu
* "Power Thoughts for Teen Cards"


Doreen Virtue:
* Thank You, Angels


Dr. Dwayne  Dyer:
* Unstoppable Me: Ten Ways to Soar Through Your Life
* Incredible You: 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through
* No Excuses!: How What You Say Can Get in You
* It's Not What You've Got


Lori Lite:
* A Boy and a Bear: The Children's Relaxation Book
* A Boy and a Turtle: A Children's Relaxation Story to Improve Sleep, Manage Stress, Anxiety, Anger
* Angry Octopus: A Relaxation Story
* The Goodnight Caterpillar: A Children's Relaxation Story to Improve Sleep, Manage Stress, Anxiety, Anger
* Sea Otter Cove: A Relaxation Story introducing deep breathing to decrease stress and anger while promoting peaceful sleep
* Bubble Riding: A Relaxation Story, Designed to Help Children Creativity While Lowering Stress and Anxiety Levels
* Affirmation Weaver: A Believe in Yourself Story, Designed to Help Children Boost Self-Esteem While Decreasing Stress and Anxiety
* Indigo Dreams: Relaxation and Stress Management Bedtime Stories for Children, Improve Sleep, Manage Stress and Anxiety
* Indigo Ocean Dreams: 4 Children's Stories Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness
* AUDIO CD Indigo Dreams (3 CD Set): Children's Bedtime Stories Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness
* AUDIO CD Indigo Teen Dreams: Guided Relaxation Techniques Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-esteem and Self-awareness
* Children's Wellness Curriculum: Lessons, stories and techniques designed to decrease bullying, anxiety, anger & obesity while promoting self-esteem & healthy food choices
* Children's Stress Awareness Curriculum: Lessons, techniques and stories designed to decrease stress, anxiety and anger while increasing self-esteem and self-awareness

What to do when a family member says "No!" to a holiday!

Leanne's husband didn't want to do Christmas when they got married.  She had wonderful memories of her childhood Christmas seasons.  She told her husband she was willing to throw out the old rules about what Christmas was supposed to involve.  She asked him what he wanted the season to mean.  They ended up experimenting and finding their own traditions.  Now Christmas means even more to her family!

If you'd like to hear the broadcast of the internet radio show with Leanne, go to www.wayofthetoddler.com and click on the Podcast Archives at the bottom of the page.  The other place is http://toginet.com/podcasts/thewayofthetoddlerhour/?s=thewayofthetoddlerhour

Here are some websites and books that she used to research possibilities for their own kind of special Christmas time:

http://www.kaboose.com

http://www.amazingmoms.com

http://dltk-kids.com

http://moonchildren.com/holidays/wintersolstice/index.html

http:familyfun.go.com

http://www.circlesanctuary.org/index.html

http:www.janbrett.com

http://www.holidayinsights.com/moreholidays/index.htm

Book List

Here are some of our favorite books

Born With a Bang: Jennifer Morgan
From Lave to Life: Jennifer Morgan
Mammals Who Morph: Jennifer Morgan
A Solstice Tree for Jenny: Karen I. Shragg
The Shortest Day: Wendy Pfeffer
Who’s That Knocking on Christmas Eve? Jan Brett
The Mitten: Jan Brett
Santa Mouse and Santa Mouse Where are You? : Michael Brown
The Jolly Christmas Postman: Janet & Allan Ahlberg
The Polar Express: Chris Van Allsburg
Circle Round: Raising Children in Goddess Traditions
Earth Child: Kathryn Sheehand and Mary Waidner
Celebrating the Great Mother: Cait Johnson and Maura Shaw

To Respond or Not to Respond: When the other Primary Parent has a Personality Disorder

Today our family (my husband, step-kids and me) went to see the counselor.  We go at least once a month.  The kids' mother is also welcome to take them to the same counselor.

Each time, the counselor checks in with all of us as a group.  We talk about how things are going, discuss thinking errors, and brag.  Then, the counselor problem-solves with my husband and me to figure out how to best handle the latest email from the kids' mother (my husband's first wife).  Finally, the counselor checks in with the kids without my husband or me in the room, in case they need to talk to him about anything that they are nervous about saying in front of us.  Even when the kids are doing fine, we need to keep tabs on the entire situation, since the kids go back and forth between our homes, week on/week off.  Our main concern is keeping the kids protected from the tangly mess between adults and giving them tools to employ as they grow and increasingly encounter VERY DIFFERENT viewpoints between their primary caretakers.

This time, without the kids present, we discussed our policy of handling emails.  First of all, the judge said all communication should be in written form - whew!  Next, we've studied how to best handle communication with someone who has her personality disorder.  We are supposed to be boring.  Additional information can provide fuel to the fire, so keeping contact minimal and generic is recommended.  We came to the conclusion that someday, this policy may backfire, and we may have to handle things in a bigger way.  However, until that bridge needs crossed, the overall pattern needs to be looked at and taken into consideration.  The emails have progressively slowed, shortened, and softened (a relative term).  As long as we are covering the proper bases with the appropriate community members, we'll choose to not respond to her pressure.

One day at a time!

Contest: The Truly Amazing Person You Are

Each Tuesday (2pm PST), my sister and I host an internet radio show called "The Way of the Toddler Hour" on www.toginet.com.

We want to hear about how you or someone you know are truly amazing!  If we read your entry on the show, you could win one of the following:
* a copy of The Way of the Toddler by Leta Hamilton
* a dream interpretation
* get your Corpus Callosum (brain superhighway) opened up to 100% using BIT/s
* have an allergy "balanced"
* relieve the stress of an emotionally tough situation

Write to us today!  My email is ascendingenergy@gmail.com.

Instead of During the Holidays

As a birth mother, I gave up holidays with my daughter permanently, so she could enjoy the traditions of her adoptive family.  Since it is a semi-open adoption, it means that I get to see her every once in awhile at a different time of year.  She is 22 now, and we just had a week with her at the beginning of November, without the stress of a big holiday meal.  We didn't have to make sure any presents were wrapped.  We just spent quality time together.  It was the best gift in the whole world!

Remember there are 5 ways to share love.  They are referred to as Love Languages:  gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

These help reduce the stress of holiday gift giving!  Just because we are adults, it doesn't mean we can't make our own coupons for loved ones!  Plus, you can specify a time that works for you.  This reduces the time and money pressure of the holiday season, and it spreads things out.  For example, you could offer to babysit someone's kids for a weekend in May.  You could bring the trash cans in for the neighbor in Feb.  You could promise to add an extra hug into your visits with a family member whose Love Language is physical touch.  I see my mom every weekday, and my husband suggested I say goodbye this way.  It felt awkward to change a habit at first, but now it feels good! I can put it in my calendar to send a monthly email to my introverted friend who loves her words of affirmation in writing.

I'm so grateful for a daughter who was willing to take four days out of her busy schedule.  It was better than any million dollar present would have been!  Sometimes a moment is worth a thousand promises!