To Respond or Not to Respond: When the other Primary Parent has a Personality Disorder

Today our family (my husband, step-kids and me) went to see the counselor.  We go at least once a month.  The kids' mother is also welcome to take them to the same counselor.

Each time, the counselor checks in with all of us as a group.  We talk about how things are going, discuss thinking errors, and brag.  Then, the counselor problem-solves with my husband and me to figure out how to best handle the latest email from the kids' mother (my husband's first wife).  Finally, the counselor checks in with the kids without my husband or me in the room, in case they need to talk to him about anything that they are nervous about saying in front of us.  Even when the kids are doing fine, we need to keep tabs on the entire situation, since the kids go back and forth between our homes, week on/week off.  Our main concern is keeping the kids protected from the tangly mess between adults and giving them tools to employ as they grow and increasingly encounter VERY DIFFERENT viewpoints between their primary caretakers.

This time, without the kids present, we discussed our policy of handling emails.  First of all, the judge said all communication should be in written form - whew!  Next, we've studied how to best handle communication with someone who has her personality disorder.  We are supposed to be boring.  Additional information can provide fuel to the fire, so keeping contact minimal and generic is recommended.  We came to the conclusion that someday, this policy may backfire, and we may have to handle things in a bigger way.  However, until that bridge needs crossed, the overall pattern needs to be looked at and taken into consideration.  The emails have progressively slowed, shortened, and softened (a relative term).  As long as we are covering the proper bases with the appropriate community members, we'll choose to not respond to her pressure.

One day at a time!