Our ten year old asked me to help her meet her inner child. There is an audio version of this on Leta's podcast about breathing (www.letahamilton.com). This is what we did:

                Close your eyes. Breathe into your belly. Breathe deeply

                Imagine you are on a beach. You are sitting on the warm sand facing the ocean with your eyes closed. You dig your feet under the soft silky sand and listen to the waves. Feel a comforting presence sit right behind you that wraps its arms and wings around you. This is your guardian angel. Put your hands on to the angel’s hands in acknowledgement and lean back against this unconditional support. Breathe in the love. Breathe out gratefulness. Keep your eyes closed.

                Next, open your hands to accept a child. Keep your eyes closed and just feel him or her. Is it a baby? Is it a toddler? Is it a child? Wrap your arms around your inner child with the same amount of love that the angel gives to you. If this is hard to do, conjure up the love you have felt for a special youngster in your life and then send that to this child in your lap. Breathe in the love from the angel and breathe love out to the child. Breathe.

                Let the three of you rock gently back and forth to a song. What song is it? Breathe.

                Talk to the child and let her know who you are. “Hi Sweetheart, I’m you all grown up.” Tell her why you are here, “I’m here to love you better than anyone has ever loved you!” Breathe.

Make a commitment to her, “I’m here to hold you everyday. I will never ever leave you alone or unprotected. I will never abandon you. I will check in with you for at least 17 seconds everyday to see what you want or need. We can play together if you want. We can dance or sing, swing or jump rope, climb or cuddle. When I am taking care of my family, I will leave you with this wonderful, awesome angel.” Breathe.

Your eyes are still closed in your imagination. Spend some more seconds rocking with the three of you safe in each other’s arms. Breathe. Ask your inner child to give you a sign that you will encounter in your everyday life she can use to give you a signal that she needs you. You may hear something. You may see a picture. You may just know what the signal is. Thank her. Breathe.

Listen as you rock and breathe. Is there anything she wants to tell you? (This all depends on your inner child. Mine took months to talk to me. She needed to trust me first.) Breathe.

When it is time to come back to reality, hand the child to the angel and open your imaginary eyes to see the two of them make eye contact. Introduce them to each other as they stare into each other’s eyes. Let the child know that the angel has strict instructions to give the child anything she needs. Wink to your angel. Thank your angel. Set a time for later or tomorrow to come back to check in and promise that you will be holding her again at the set time or sooner.

When you walk down the beach back to reality, set an alarm for the promised time. At that time, stop and hold her for at least 17 seconds.

At least once a day, hold her and comfort her with the words you would want to hear as a child. Know that you and the angel can care for her together. You are an inseparable team. You will be loyal.

Our ten year old said, "Oh I have a whole bunch of angels for her to play with!"

Present Moments Become Future Stories

Today I enjoyed many stories about relatives and ancestors as my family gathered to support each other during a time of loss.

Which present moment will be a story that my children and grandchildren will someday pass on?

Presents

Tonight as I go to bed, I'm going to offer my inner child a package.Inside is the gift she wants most in the world.

I can't wait to see what it is!

Christmas Play

It is a busy time of year, so I would love to share the seasonally appropriate way I'm going to play with my inner child today, for seventeen seconds:

Each year, I secretly wish I could have a completely different Christmas tree. So, today I'm going to decorate a Christmas tree with my inner child.

Is it a giant tree or dinky and precious?

Is it flocked? Sparkly? Green and fresh?

What color lights are we going to choose?

Are the ornaments going to match? Different colors or a color theme?

We may need a ladder for that glowing angel on the top!

Hey, we could put on wings and be angels, too!

Merry Christmas Eve!

Securing Myself

Some of us wish we could go back in time to repair, build, or improve our own secure attachments.

I have a close relationship with both my parents now. Even though I have no complaints about my childhood, the inner child in each of us still wishes he or she had had something more.

What child is happy when told, "No," or that he or she can't have all the candy they want. Even when I had a mom that didn't hold back on the sugar, I still have society's influence making me feel like I can't have everything I want.

Anyway, the key is meeting and building a relationship with the inner child within. I've been spending 17 seconds with my inner child, and the healing has begun.

Our ten year old has been finding out what her inner child likes to do for fun. Our twelve year old has been feeding her inner child all the chocolate straws she wants!

Go find a picture of yourself when you were little. Pull it out of the album and put it next to your bed. Smile at your little you.

Security

Who wants to feel secure?

Psychology says a secure bond between a child and caregiver is important. Statistics show that babies with a secure attachment with at least one caregiver grow up to have healthy relationships with teachers, friends, future mates, etc.

Who doesn't want that for not only our own children? But wouldn't it be wonderful if every human felt secure and had healthy relationships?

Even if you are not a parent, you have met a child who needed security: a student, a relative, a child in the grocery store.

As a teacher, I often felt helpless. I wanted to take some of my students home and make everything all better. After trying a million different things, I finally realized the only thing I could do was be the best teacher I could be.

That meant starting with me, taking better care of myself with enough rest, exercise, meditation, and writing. I began healing my own stuff. My classroom instantly reflected the change.

Now that I am a step-mother, I don't have as much time for these healthy behaviors. Still, I want to help the girls feel secure.

Although they were securely attached with at least one primary caregiver, I wasn't there at the beginning of their lives to foster a secure attachment to me. Is it too late? How can I give them this gift?

I realized I can start with myself.

And this time, it only takes 17 seconds! Stay tuned...

Adjusting

It’s been almost eight months since I’ve updated this blog. I read the last entry and am amazed at the journey since then.
I can tell you that the girls have had a hard time, a healing time, sadness and growth. For the first three months of living with us, they missed their mom. The next three months, we began to have breakthroughs and learned it was safe to communicate and be a team.
The girls did end up lashing out about not getting to see their mom; they wrote on their walls and dresser. They covered the dresser with a sheet and the walls with paper. The paper fell down. We wrote back to them on the dresser, telling them how much we love them. Next, I modeled cleaning off my writing with various cleaning products, not giving up until it came off. Their writing had been on longer or a different kind of pen had been used, so it didn’t come off the dresser. The Mr. Clean eraser often worked on the wall, but not always. We told them that before they could spend any of their Christmas money on anything else, they would have to buy enough paint to paint the room and dresser.  We moved on with life, acting as if everything is normal. The counselor later told me that that is an essential step: letting the kids know that nothing they do or say phases the routine or the stability.  When they wanted to buy Valentine’s decorations, their dad helped them first figure out how much paint they needed. He took them to the hardware store, and they bought a gallon of paint, some paint brushes, and more erasers. As of July, they have repainted the dresser. The walls, they are a different story.
Once supervised visitations started at the beginning of April, the nine year old regressed and became unable to sleep alone as she had done for four years. Her tummy aches turned out to be nerves. She realized she didn’t want to see her mom anymore. The tummy aches went away when she started choosing to stay with her Dad during that hour instead. However, depression set in in May, and the little girl who loved school suddenly cried each weekday and couldn’t go to school. We have tried all kinds of things, each for about two weeks before trying something new. I bought books for her and for me. We tried all kinds of de-stressing tools. We have tried all kinds of sleeping arrangements with the goal of at least getting all of us some good sleep, so we could better deal with things.  Sleep deprivation is an awful thing to mix in with court stress, depression, and the need to feel safe and secure.
After getting better sleep, I started thinking outside of the box. We’ve set up a bed in the office with a peaceful mural on the wall. We take turns sleeping there, with the hopes that Aubra can eventually make that her room. She is now sleeping by herself and has left for camp excited instead of full of anxiety. While they are at camp, I plan on rearranging closets to get us one step closer to Aubra feeling ready for her own room.
The now 12 year old is definitely ready for her own room!  She has been a trooper, growing and blooming like a beautiful, hearty weed. She amazes us!  We have taken wheat and all possible gluten out of our diets. Since the transition, all her Asperger-type symptoms have disappeared. She is so much more positive and wise. Conversations are now easy and comfortable. Even in the midst of losing a mom and two best friends, she lives each day with courage and grace!
Maybe when we divide their room into two, we can paint the walls. Anyone else want a peaceful mural?
Court is over. The psych eval and court process showed that their mom is a danger to their medical and psychological health. I am embarking on the new experience of being allowed to be the full time mom. It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to be this bad for me to feel like my being the only mom is the best thing for them. I never thought that this honor would be given to me. I was nervous about this summer being my first time having the girls 24/7 without even the school day as a distraction. It has been a good summer, though. The girls still call me by my name, but they seem to be referring to me as their mom to others.
It feels good to live each day without the drama. We are all healing in our own time and manner, and things look like it’ll all be okay. One day, one moment at a time, we are becoming the family I always dreamed of having.