You Live With Us Now

The judge said they will remain with us full time until at least Feb. 6th.  That means they will not get to see their mom for Christmas.  That must be hard!  Wow!  I can't even imagine.  I think I've had one Christmas without my mom, but my sister was there.  At least the girls have each other.

And they have a wonderful family that takes them to the Nutcracker, teaches them how to sew, plays games with them, and spends quality time conversing and laughing!

I thought that today would be wipe out, after we told them last night. There were some delayed tears and one of the girls was angry for less than a 1/2 hour after they learned their fate & found out we don't know when they'll see their mom.  But today was wonderful!  Wow!  I am so pleasantly surprised and totally blessed!

I wonder how it will go once it settles in their brains that living with us full time is not temporary...

Adjusting Just Fine

I thought I'd update you with good stuff! The girls are doing better all the time!  They are getting used to the routine and remembering more of it on their own.  They are able to reflect more positively on their days now.  Before, it would have been a great day, and they'd say it was ok or not good.  It's like they have permission to enjoy their life and their family now. There was only one exception with the temporary setback after the ex wife's boyfriend visited the oldest daughter at school. That was scary!  It was like the healing process had to start all over again.

The nine year old is growing up so much and making responsible decisions. One Wednesday, after a sleepover the Saturday before, she announced she was going to eat early and go to bed early, so she'd have an easier time waking up in the morning. OK! She also set up a treasure hunt with a sweet card at the end that said I had made it all the way through the treasure hunt..."all the way into our family! I love you soooo much!"

The eleven year old actually likes middle school!  She is drawing again and feeling good about it. She's writing to her friend in Idaho often now, which I think is good! When she told Dad about getting to wear a hat at school on Friday if you pay 50 cents and he offered the money to her, she said, "Well I think Lori already said no, so you better talk to her about that." She earned it by rinsing out the cabbage cutter (after he turned 9 heads of cabbage into saurkraut). She gets into a disagreeable mood the PMS and period weeks (with "but..." when an adult offers empathy or a solution), but she seems to be coming out of that again and back to her intelligent and wonderful self.

There were about 3 times where I could tell the younger one was missing mom, but we got through them unscathed. You can't tell as much with the older one, but they left out a note on the bathroom counter talking about it.  It seemed like they wanted us to find it.  I think that is smart.  We can act accordingly as a result.  The whole topic is much better than I had predicted it would be, though.

They don't yet know how permanent living with us is, since we didn't know what the judge will decide after their mom has a psychological evaluation and proves she can follow the psychologist's recommendations. I don't know, maybe they do know on some level...they are excited about the idea of moving to Germany where I can teach and asked all kinds of questions but never once asked what that would mean for seeing their mom.

Life is good! Luke is driving a taxi like crazy, and I am doing an internship with A Family For Every Child for credit toward my teaching certificate. I love their efforts to connect foster kids with adoptive families for a Forever Family.

The ex wife has put all her eggs in the appeal basket, so as of yet, she isn't proceeding with the psych eval that the judge ordered as a condition to see the girls. I wonder what that will mean for visitation.  I guess we'll find out on December 19th.



In the meantime, our family is enjoying Christmas decorations, saurkraut, movies about Berlin, learning German, and spending time with family.

Much love and holiday warmth to you and yours,
Lori

All Said and Done?

Hello again!

I have refrained from posting while we were in the midst of going to court about the girls' welfare.  I didn't want to just vent my many and varied feelings before finding out if those feelings were justified, at least in the eyes of the law.

A judgment has been made.  We are adjusting accordingly. We are getting back to real life.  

But for the past few months, I have felt so many emotions.  I felt like no one in the outside, official world would ever see for themselves the behavior we witnessed and suspected.  I felt angry at the girls for going along with their mom's shenanigans to prove their love and loyalty.  I felt stabbed in the back each time some wonderful memory or plan we'd made together got twisted into something ugly.  I felt sad each time the younger daughter refused to hug the father she had just hugged and loved a week ago.  I wondered if the girls would ever understand how certain things were not in their best interest.  My heart hurt that the girls would someday realize that their mom's lack of boundaries was putting them in jeopardy.  I felt frustrated that their bad habit of complaining about their father to please their mother might actually cause them to lose time with her.

In 2008, although worried about the girls' mother, we sincerely hoped that the 50/50 parenting time schedule would be healthy for everyone.  By 2009, we could tell that it wasn't.  However, the judge said that there was not enough evidence to show a significant change, nor did he have enough information to determine if this schedule would impact the girls in a negative manner.  He kept it the same.

We continued to send the girls with angels each time.  We tried to find the positives instead of harping on the negatives of the situation.  We wondered how things were really going, but we had no way of knowing.

Turns out that 2 more years was enough to help Mom make it all too obvious how things were going all by herself.  She had endangered the girls in medical and emotional ways, and there was a heap of evidence about this provided by the police, the doctor, the counselor, the Department of Human Services, and even her own witnesses, including a live-in boyfriend involved in at least 8 bank robberies.  However, only some of them were armed.  Oh, and he only served time twice.

To be fair, she claims that we are abusing the girls.  She says we are doing this by trying to hug them, have family meetings, & keeping a journal/scrapbook. The DHS reports have all been closed as "unfounded".  The saddest part is the parental/family/doctor/counselor alienation that Mom and boyfriend carry out by helping the girls believe that anything we do that they don't like is abuse.  They help the girls exaggerate and tell stories to anyone that will listen and hopefully report us.  The worst is repeatedly bringing up the ever evolving and twisted story of how Dad strangled the younger daughter when all he was doing was carrying her to timeout, holding her flailing body tightly, for hurting her sister.

I probably sound partial.  It's just so frustrating to hear all this ick when I witness, everyday, a home that is warm, stable, healthy, sound, and fun.  My husband is the kind of father most of us wish we'd had.  He's even equipped with a silly voice that he uses when he plays with the girls and speaks for the stuffed animals or dolls.  I just think that it is only fair to allow the girls to enjoy this time with their father and me, instead of being made to feel like that would hurt Mommy in some way.

My being a birth mother that gave up a child for adoption has always made me feel like the relationship/bond/love between a mother and child is sacred.  Now, I feel the same way about that with the father, too.

So, the verdict.  For now, mom's time is suspended until she gets a psych evaluation to determine what she needs to do to be safe around the children.  Then, every other weekend.  In the meantime, we get a couple of months to adjust to stability, routine, happiness, and being allowed to just be kids (all 4 of us)!

A special thank you to all of you who kept us in your prayers!  Your support has meant soooooo much!

Angels In, Angels Out

            I gave up a daughter for adoption when I was seventeen.  I became a step-mom of two precious little girls when I was thirty-seven.  The twenty years in between were filled with all kinds of efforts to be a good mom someday.  I unpacked emotional baggage.  I wrote in fifty journals.  I took workshops.  I wrote poems.  I beat myself up.  I reconstructed myself from scratch.  I cried.  I hoped.  I kept mental lists of what I would and wouldn’t do if given the chance to parent again.

            Now that I look back, all the pieces make a lot of sense.  It all fits together, even the part about marrying someone with a mean, mentally ill ex-wife who is an expert at parent alienation!  Seriously, I think I chose this on purpose.  I think, when I was in Heaven planning this life, I put each ingredient in the mixing bowl carefully.  I felt honored that these three young ladies asked me to play the role of birth mother and step mother.  Since I wanted to do a good job, I asked the adoptive mother and ex-wife to keep a close eye on me to keep me on my toes.  Well, now I’m practically a walking ballerina who glides and skids on eggshells.     

            If these moms only knew how much love I am, and how I would never want to interfere with the bond they have with their daughters!  I just want to have a bond with them, too…a separate but special one…one that is pure…untainted by their mothers’ opinions, body language or comments about me.  And I promise to bite my tongue over and over to make sure that I am not saying things the girls could construe as negative about their biological mothers.

            The latest weekly battle (which I’m trying to turn into a mere routine) is dealing with the hateful emails from the ex that report all kinds of lies, twisted truths, and painful stabs.  A borderline/bipolar mother is really good at gathering team members, and the team members do anything to keep the team captain happy.  I’m just worried that the girls will continue to believe this false childhood that their captain is building for them. 

            My husband says he knows what it was like to live with her.  He understands that the girls are doing the best they can with the tools they have.  We should focus on the laughter, love, and connecting that we experience with the girls on our weeks.  He also reminds me that regardless of what the ex-wife is trying to put into their conscious memories, they will also have all the good stuff deep down in there in the subconscious.  I work with brains for a living, so I know that he is right.  It just doesn’t make it any easier to forget all the horrible things that she says the girls report to her. This is especially true when I’m coming home, knowing they will be inside, knowing I better walk in smiling. 

I try deep breathing.  I scream in the car.  I do a brain balance and Theta clearing.  Then, I send angels ahead.  I open the door, and I’m flooded with hugs, bright eyes, and a cheer from the crowd, “Lori!”  It’s all going to be ok!  Plus, I only have to do half of their laundry.

We have another good week full of puns, walks, chores, homework, and cuddle.  Then, I send them off with angels and hug them as I say, “Have a great week with your Mom!”

Grateful for Laundry?

What an amazing roller coaster I've been on!  Right now I'm watching a show called "Searching for..." on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network).  It is about a professional geneologist who reunites people.  I love exploring the various emotions of connecting, longing, touching, learning, crying, and smiling.

It makes me remember to appreciate the wonderful reunion I had with the daughter I gave up for adoption.  Some people don't even get a reunion.  Sometimes the person they are looking for is already dead or doesn't want to meet them or even talk.  I may not get to talk every day or even every month, but we do talk.  I appreciate that in the midst of a busy life, she connects with me.  I am so blessed!

Watching the show also makes me feel blessed to get to see my step-daughters as they grow up.  Even though it is every other week, I get to hear them laugh and do their laundry!

Mini lesson #1 that I learned from my kids: Right Now I Unconditionally Love You!

Since we have our two young ladies every other week, we often notice how much more grown up they seem when they come back from being with their mother.  It is amazing!  I feel blessed to get these "Oh wow!" moments so often.  It reminds me to stay in this moment, because they are going to change again.

This "staying present" is an essential tool.  When we hear inaccurate reports from the ex-wife about what the girls have said, we never know who is twisting the story.  However, having done research about the mental illnesses that the ex-wife has, I know that telling her what she wants to hear is one of the tools that the girls have at their disposal to help their mother feel better and, therefore, make their relationship with her feel more comfortable.  However, these stories are often very hurtful. I get to deal with feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, and bewilderment during the week when they are gone.

On the day that they return, I often feel nervous about how things will go.  I never want to take my anger out on them.  I am not supposed to question them about the truth.  I'm just supposed to love them unconditionally.  On Mondays, I tend to doubt myself and wonder how I can do this.  Then, when I pull up in front of the house, one of them stands at the door ready to greet me with a hug and the other comes out to help carry stuff in from the car.  I see their smiles and I realize, "This moment, right here, right now is okay.  We do love each other unconditionally right now.  Many right nows add up to a life full of unconditional love!"

Expected: Tired and Cranky

My husband and I get to spend a week at a time with my wonderful stepdaughters every other week.  Then, they go spend a week with their mother.  We worry about how things go when they are not with us, and their mother worries about them when they are not with her.  I guess that is what parents do.  At one point we worried too much and tried to adjust the arrangement by going to court.  The only thing that came out of that was a lot of stress, a better holiday schedule, and some big lessons for me on letting go in situations I can not control.  For as bad as their mother thinks it is when they are with us, it is really the other extreme: precious, special, meaningful, and fun.  What if that is true for their time with her?  What if we think that it is so horrible when, really, they might be experiencing and learning all the things they signed up for when they chose her for a mother from heaven before they came down here to be with us?    They might even have fun with her sometimes!  What if they do love all their parents no matter what?  What if they feel loved by all their parents.  Is that so bad?

It's spring, and sometimes that affects people in good and bad ways.  As we notice another cycle of concern with their mother, we see the effects on our girls when they come to us tired and cranky.  I've tried feeling frustrated about this.  We've tried making sure they catch up on rest during our week.  We've talked about not taking frustration out on others. But this week, I realized a new approach that might work a whole lot better.  First, I realized that a bad week for our girls is like a good week for other kids and this deserves appreciation.  Next, I remembered that when I released expectations about my sister and our relationship, I was free of disappointment and thrilled when an unexpected good interaction frosted my cake!  That's what I could do: expect that they will come to us exhausted and cranky, even plan for it.  Then, if they are, we will have made room in our week to nurture them with cuddling, refreshing walks, quiet times, reading stories or other quality time.  If not, then we can add some things to the schedule and enjoy some frosting of our own.  This is better than being cranky and tired of the situation myself!

Maybe they get more out of being with each of their parents sometimes than they would out of never getting to see any of us.  And maybe, we are better parents as a result!

Positive Children's Books

Louise L. Hay:
* I Think, I Am!:  Teaching Kids the Power of Affirmations
* The Adventures of Lulu
* "Power Thoughts for Teen Cards"


Doreen Virtue:
* Thank You, Angels


Dr. Dwayne  Dyer:
* Unstoppable Me: Ten Ways to Soar Through Your Life
* Incredible You: 10 Ways to Let Your Greatness Shine Through
* No Excuses!: How What You Say Can Get in You
* It's Not What You've Got


Lori Lite:
* A Boy and a Bear: The Children's Relaxation Book
* A Boy and a Turtle: A Children's Relaxation Story to Improve Sleep, Manage Stress, Anxiety, Anger
* Angry Octopus: A Relaxation Story
* The Goodnight Caterpillar: A Children's Relaxation Story to Improve Sleep, Manage Stress, Anxiety, Anger
* Sea Otter Cove: A Relaxation Story introducing deep breathing to decrease stress and anger while promoting peaceful sleep
* Bubble Riding: A Relaxation Story, Designed to Help Children Creativity While Lowering Stress and Anxiety Levels
* Affirmation Weaver: A Believe in Yourself Story, Designed to Help Children Boost Self-Esteem While Decreasing Stress and Anxiety
* Indigo Dreams: Relaxation and Stress Management Bedtime Stories for Children, Improve Sleep, Manage Stress and Anxiety
* Indigo Ocean Dreams: 4 Children's Stories Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness
* AUDIO CD Indigo Dreams (3 CD Set): Children's Bedtime Stories Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-Esteem and Self-Awareness
* AUDIO CD Indigo Teen Dreams: Guided Relaxation Techniques Designed to Decrease Stress, Anger and Anxiety while Increasing Self-esteem and Self-awareness
* Children's Wellness Curriculum: Lessons, stories and techniques designed to decrease bullying, anxiety, anger & obesity while promoting self-esteem & healthy food choices
* Children's Stress Awareness Curriculum: Lessons, techniques and stories designed to decrease stress, anxiety and anger while increasing self-esteem and self-awareness