Honesty

Honesty. Most of us have a bunch of different feelings wrapped around that term. It can be something we expect from others, but it is often a very hard thing to give to them.

I'm going to be on a internet radio show about adoption. I sent my summary to the grown daughter that I gave up for adoption to check with her first before going on air. This brought out a lot of feelings or at least some communicating about feelings that may have already been there. That is a good thing, a very good thing!

In the MBTI Personality system, my daughter and I are both NF's (iNtuitive Feelers). We hate conflict. I hate getting in trouble. I feel it physically alarm my system in a BIG way = ugh, ick, and eek! Honesty opens us up to this feeling being a possible consequence when the other party reacts. Introverted NF's would rather bite our tongues and pretend that things are hunky dory than express our own feelings about something.

My husband is also an INF. I told him that NF's often pretend things are okay until it builds up too far and then we are done, never to return to fix anything. We give our all before this point and have no more energy left. I didn't want each of us to be biting our tongues and then have the blood soak us until one of us gives up. So we decided to be honest from the beginning.

Honesty felt awkward, especially at first. But soon, we started noticing the problem solving that helped address the issue was easier when less emotion/resentment was involved. We began feeling heard and respected. One time my husband thanked me for sticking to our solution. I said, "That's what you get for communicating!" Our relationship has benefited from the openness, vulnerability, sharing, UNDERSTANDING, and intimacy that comes as a result of listening quietly while someone is being honest and NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

Anyway, I am so grateful that my daughter was brave enough to be honest! Her birth family is in a prime position to understand her as she is today, if she is honest. We do not have pages of history to use to form opinions about who she is based on what she was before.

I look forward to understanding her better with this new information about her feelings and thoughts and desires.