Hello again!
I have refrained from posting while we were in the midst of going to court about the girls' welfare. I didn't want to just vent my many and varied feelings before finding out if those feelings were justified, at least in the eyes of the law.
A judgment has been made. We are adjusting accordingly. We are getting back to real life.
But for the past few months, I have felt so many emotions. I felt like no one in the outside, official world would ever see for themselves the behavior we witnessed and suspected. I felt angry at the girls for going along with their mom's shenanigans to prove their love and loyalty. I felt stabbed in the back each time some wonderful memory or plan we'd made together got twisted into something ugly. I felt sad each time the younger daughter refused to hug the father she had just hugged and loved a week ago. I wondered if the girls would ever understand how certain things were not in their best interest. My heart hurt that the girls would someday realize that their mom's lack of boundaries was putting them in jeopardy. I felt frustrated that their bad habit of complaining about their father to please their mother might actually cause them to lose time with her.
In 2008, although worried about the girls' mother, we sincerely hoped that the 50/50 parenting time schedule would be healthy for everyone. By 2009, we could tell that it wasn't. However, the judge said that there was not enough evidence to show a significant change, nor did he have enough information to determine if this schedule would impact the girls in a negative manner. He kept it the same.
We continued to send the girls with angels each time. We tried to find the positives instead of harping on the negatives of the situation. We wondered how things were really going, but we had no way of knowing.
Turns out that 2 more years was enough to help Mom make it all too obvious how things were going all by herself. She had endangered the girls in medical and emotional ways, and there was a heap of evidence about this provided by the police, the doctor, the counselor, the Department of Human Services, and even her own witnesses, including a live-in boyfriend involved in at least 8 bank robberies. However, only some of them were armed. Oh, and he only served time twice.
To be fair, she claims that we are abusing the girls. She says we are doing this by trying to hug them, have family meetings, & keeping a journal/scrapbook. The DHS reports have all been closed as "unfounded". The saddest part is the parental/family/doctor/counselor alienation that Mom and boyfriend carry out by helping the girls believe that anything we do that they don't like is abuse. They help the girls exaggerate and tell stories to anyone that will listen and hopefully report us. The worst is repeatedly bringing up the ever evolving and twisted story of how Dad strangled the younger daughter when all he was doing was carrying her to timeout, holding her flailing body tightly, for hurting her sister.
I probably sound partial. It's just so frustrating to hear all this ick when I witness, everyday, a home that is warm, stable, healthy, sound, and fun. My husband is the kind of father most of us wish we'd had. He's even equipped with a silly voice that he uses when he plays with the girls and speaks for the stuffed animals or dolls. I just think that it is only fair to allow the girls to enjoy this time with their father and me, instead of being made to feel like that would hurt Mommy in some way.
My being a birth mother that gave up a child for adoption has always made me feel like the relationship/bond/love between a mother and child is sacred. Now, I feel the same way about that with the father, too.
So, the verdict. For now, mom's time is suspended until she gets a psych evaluation to determine what she needs to do to be safe around the children. Then, every other weekend. In the meantime, we get a couple of months to adjust to stability, routine, happiness, and being allowed to just be kids (all 4 of us)!
A special thank you to all of you who kept us in your prayers! Your support has meant soooooo much!
Whether you are a parent or not, I hope what I share here helps you find hope and tools that help us feel whole... Please pass this blog on to anyone you know that has experienced sadness, disappointment, trauma, abandonment, or anger in their past. What am I talking about: The more I get to parent, the more I realize how important it is for me to heal my own emotional baggage, so I can be an emotionally healthy example as we guide the next generation to be all that they can be.
