My husband and I get to spend a week at a time with my wonderful stepdaughters every other week. Then, they go spend a week with their mother. We worry about how things go when they are not with us, and their mother worries about them when they are not with her. I guess that is what parents do. At one point we worried too much and tried to adjust the arrangement by going to court. The only thing that came out of that was a lot of stress, a better holiday schedule, and some big lessons for me on letting go in situations I can not control. For as bad as their mother thinks it is when they are with us, it is really the other extreme: precious, special, meaningful, and fun. What if that is true for their time with her? What if we think that it is so horrible when, really, they might be experiencing and learning all the things they signed up for when they chose her for a mother from heaven before they came down here to be with us? They might even have fun with her sometimes! What if they do love all their parents no matter what? What if they feel loved by all their parents. Is that so bad?
It's spring, and sometimes that affects people in good and bad ways. As we notice another cycle of concern with their mother, we see the effects on our girls when they come to us tired and cranky. I've tried feeling frustrated about this. We've tried making sure they catch up on rest during our week. We've talked about not taking frustration out on others. But this week, I realized a new approach that might work a whole lot better. First, I realized that a bad week for our girls is like a good week for other kids and this deserves appreciation. Next, I remembered that when I released expectations about my sister and our relationship, I was free of disappointment and thrilled when an unexpected good interaction frosted my cake! That's what I could do: expect that they will come to us exhausted and cranky, even plan for it. Then, if they are, we will have made room in our week to nurture them with cuddling, refreshing walks, quiet times, reading stories or other quality time. If not, then we can add some things to the schedule and enjoy some frosting of our own. This is better than being cranky and tired of the situation myself!
Maybe they get more out of being with each of their parents sometimes than they would out of never getting to see any of us. And maybe, we are better parents as a result!
Whether you are a parent or not, I hope what I share here helps you find hope and tools that help us feel whole... Please pass this blog on to anyone you know that has experienced sadness, disappointment, trauma, abandonment, or anger in their past. What am I talking about: The more I get to parent, the more I realize how important it is for me to heal my own emotional baggage, so I can be an emotionally healthy example as we guide the next generation to be all that they can be.
