Medication at 2 Households

Ugh!  We all want our kids to be healthy!  The process of making sure a medication is safe and appropriate for our child is complicated enough.  Then, on top of that, my husband and I have to trust that the parent with whom our children live every other week is giving the medication properly.  We brainstormed with the doctor to come up with an idea to at least make sure she is getting her prescription allergy pill 5 days per week by having her take it at school.  The school doesn't like to give medications that you could give at home. However, they cooperated.  Then, their mom (I'm stepmom) said that she won't go along with this.  It would mean that she would need to bring in pills to the school every other month and NOT give her a morning dose on school days.  We cannot control these things.  No matter how much time and energy and emotion goes into trying to make this work, it won't if the other side is not willing to cooperate.

So what does that mean?  The overall picture here is that our daughter is going to have to grow up a little bit more than a child who lives with both parents and become responsible for taking her medication on time on her own, regardless of where she is.  I have observed how much better she is about remembering at our house, but that is because it is part of her routine in the morning and at night.  They get "checked out"by Dad at night and I do the morning one.  Dad is funny.  He asks all kinds of silly questions around the basic questions, "Did you brush your teeth?  Did you brush your dog's teeth?  Did you brush a monkey?"  They look forward to "check out" and cheerfully make sure that they did all the stuff on the list.  However, I don't know what the routine is at their mom's house, and I don't even know that there is one.  Unfortunately, we are unable to communicate effectively with her about such things.  The counselor has offered to bring up such topics, but that only works if mom comes in to see him with the girls.

Deep breath.  The worst case scenario with this medicine is that it won't be as effective.  This means more snot, snorting, and refusing to blow instead of sniff.  However, it does not mean she will die.  I feel bad about putting extra responsibility on her shoulders right now.  What is the appropriate age for expecting a child to begin being responsible for his/her own self-care routines?  Isn't the concept of age appropriateness generic anyway?  Aren't we supposed to take into account the specific child's maturity, level of responsibility, quirks, behavior, patterns, and intelligence?  If I were her mom and we were her only primary caretakers, at what point would we tire of reminding her to take her medicine?

All these questions don't really count here.  Our situation is what it is.  I can not control anything beyond our time with our girls every other week for a week at a time.  I can hope that the time we have together will have a positive and permanent effect that she will carry with her into her own everyday life.  In that life, I hope she is able to feed herself healthy foods and take her vitamins or medicine and brush her teeth each day.  My mom says that raising two girls the same way turned out very different for each of her daughters, so you just have to let go of how it all turns out.  All I can do is get the prescription filled, enjoy my husband's funny "check out" questions, and praise the girls for remembering things on their own.  During the weeks that they aren't with us, I will send angels to be with them and make sure I'm taking my own vitamins.

Mental Health

As a birth mother who got to choose the adoptive parents for the little baby I gave up 22 years ago, I appreciate that those wonderful parents have good mental health.

I was naive and clueless back then about mood and personality disorders, let alone other mental health issues.  I know more now and deal with it during my parenting of my two wonderful step daughters.  I send angels with them when they are not with us and try not to worry all the time.

However, I didn't have to worry about that with the daughter I gave up for adoption.  I knew she was in safe hands.  I'm assuming that the adoption lawyer/agency did some pre-checks before offering them to me as a possibility.  I hope so anyway.  Either that, or I lucked out.

I'm just grateful that she has grown into a beautiful, wise, mentally healthy adult, thanks to her parents!

School Clothes

Is it really that time again?  The ads for back to school specials are out!

I loved shopping for school clothes when I was little.  I remember how Mom showed us that the $100 would go much farther if we bought clothes that we could mix and match in the same color schemes.  I enjoyed trying them on to show Dad in a "fashion show".

I had dreams of enjoying this process with my own kids.  I didn't get to do this with the daughter I gave up for adoption.  It has been nice to see that her parents helped her learn how to, as my Mom put it, "look presentable". She is beautiful and definitely presentable!

I was so excited to be blessed with two step daughters!  I love the girlie stuff! The first year I helped them get ready for school, I took the lead from my new mother-in-law with dividing clothing up into "school clothes" and "play clothes".  This had been a new step for them, since they had been home-schooled before and often wore layers of fairy skirts and princess dresses most of the time.

I have to be careful.  Their mom, with whom they live every other week, let's them wear whatever they want.  Even when we showed the judge pictures of one of them in outfits we thought were inappropriate for a little girl in public, he said it was a parenting choice.  Changing out of "clothes from Mom's house" has to be handled in a way that doesn't insult the girls, their mom, or the clothing.  I just say that I want to wash them and keep them safe in the "mom drawer", so that we are respecting them instead of getting them dirty.  Playing in these clothes in the back yard with the dog and noticing they smelled like the dog was a good example that I used to show this.

When I tried to introduce "matching" at our house, I got mixed reviews. They didn't understand the point, that is for sure!  It was hard to match random shirts and pants from the local thrift store, so it was something with which they needed a lot of help.  One daughter would let me pick out her clothes often and then other times tell me "matching is bullshit!"   The other daughter said she was interested in learning more about matching better (e.g. shades of the same color that do or don't work), just not yet.

The next year, I tried taking each one shopping alone, so we could have some one-on-one time.  Each girl brought a favorite piece of clothing to match with other pieces in the store.  One girl wore the outfits together and liked knowing they were a combo.  The other never did wear the shirts WITH the skirt they were bought to accompany.

This year, we can't afford to go shopping.  Their drawers are FULL of hand-me-downs that work just fine.  They feel like they have a lot of options, and they even got rid of a lot of clothes to make room in their drawers.

This year, I'll continue to model wearing matching clothes.  I'll continue to giggle when one of the girls tells me that I should change into a different pair of shoes that match better.  But as for the girls, I think that we'll just focus on jeans as a compromise. I'll back off and just emphasize that anything goes with jeans.  I haven't even started on the shoes yet.  Maybe it is a good thing, though.  I don't need to turn them into a shoe-aholic like I used to be.  Besides, having a sense of their own style can be empowering.  In some ways, I wish I had the guts to walk outside the box more often!

Age Appropriate???

Parents and educators can read a lot of advice about child development to get information about the average age range for various abilities. I'm a former teacher and someone who now works with the brain, so I get that there are certain thing that need to happen in the brain before certain concepts can be grasped.

However, I am also getting to discover the individual component now that I am a step-mom watching our precious little girls turn into young ladies. I think I am especially aware of the leaps they take, since we have the girls every other week. Just a week can equal major developments, but add some vacation days on there, too, and they come back to us with whole additional layers! I watch in amazement at the new facial expressions or gestures. I listen, mesmerized, as one of them shares a new thought or understanding about the world.

I am starting to see the routines become automatic. One girl may remind the other, but I'm getting to thank them for putting away the brush instead of asking them to do it.

I especially think it is cool that the almost 10 year old considers making mature changes before leaping into them to please us. She analyzes her feelings about something, like using nasal irrigation, and then estimates when she might feel ready to try it again. She thinks the week of her birthday might be good.

Maybe I'm foolish and really she is just procrastinating. Some changes have been made and then set backs or sliding back into old habits can happen. But the biggest thing I'm impressed by is the evaluation process I see them employing instead of just trying to be liked by peers or family members. I grew up trying to please everyone, and it doesn't work as nicely as I thought it would. However, if I'd grown up making only the changes that I'd evaluated and liked, I wonder if my self-esteem would be different.

Anyway, I'm learning that introducing topics or routines may work now, later, some of both or neither. It is all one kid at a time, one moment at a time.

I love this job!

Demonstrating BIT (Brain Integration Technique)

Hi!

Last night, my husband said we should make a video to demonstrate BIT (Brain Integration Technique). Then today, I get one in my email from my mentor. It is ONLY about four and a half minutes long.

The link is currently:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pdka-y3bRvM for the BIT Treatment overview video

Thank you soooooo much!

Lori Hamilton

Lori on "Adoption Angles" internet radio show

I'm going to be on an internet radio show on Wed. at 6:00 P.M. PST/9:00 EST. The topic is adoption. I'm nervous, because this is the first time I'm getting the entire platform to talk about something so close to my heart. You can sign in and send me a private shout-out by clicking on the right of the chat box and sending me a message. Thank you for your good vibrations if you can't watch/listen. Also, I'd love for you to pass this on! I've included my bio if you are sending this to someone I don't know. Here's the link; Type a chat name in and THAT'S it! You're IN!

http://www.momtv.com/adoption-angles

I am a chaplain's kid (preacher's kid + military brat) from the northwest. I was a teacher for ten years and am now a BIT (Brain Integration Technique) Practitioner. Education is very important to me. It was one of the reasons why I gave up my child for adoption at seventeen, and education is still my passion. I find circuits in the brain that have stress and remove it to open up the areas of the brain that we need to problem solve with our rational thinking brain, so we aren't stuck in the emotional or survival parts of the brain. The BIT or LEAP (Learning Enhancement Acupressure Program) protocols have an emphasis on the learning process and therefore can help students with things like ADD, ADHD; auditory, speech or language processing; reading, spelling, and math problems. BIT can also help with many other things, a few examples are allergies, emotional issues, and muscle firing. After giving up my baby, I have felt a desire to help women who go through this process find their authentic path. BIT helped me move beyond my ADD toward that goal instead of just talking about them.

As a result of my emotional and healing journey, I also feel a passion for helping prospective adoptive parents be emotionally healthy parents. I studied parenting for 20 years, hoping to do it right once given the chance again. I am now also a step-mother to two amazing children. I have a blog about making parenting decisions while taking into account other caregivers, like biological parents, step parents, foster parents, relatives, etc. It can be tricky when you are not the only primary caregiver, but I feel like being a birth/first mother gives me the benefit of an additional perspective. Also, I'm a regular guest on a radio show with my sister called "The Way of the Toddler Hour" on the "I'm Thankful Network" (http://www.imthankful.com/radio/) on Mondays at 9:00 A.M. PST.

As a result of being part of the adoption process, I appreciate every moment that I get to be involved in the care and education of children!

Lori Hamilton, BIT Practitioner

Ascending Energy
1710 Taylor St.
Eugene, OR
(541) 517-7709
www.ascending-energy.com (website about Brain Integration Technique/s and Whole Body Vibration)
www.crossinology.com (mentor Susan McCrossin's website)
www.ileapusa.blogspot.com (articles about brain by Dr. Charles Krebs)
www.brainhealth.blog.com (brain health tips)
www.2ndthoughtparenting.blogspot.com (my blog about being a birth and step mom)

http://www.imthankful.com/radio/ (I'm a regular guest on a radio show called "The Way of the Toddler Hour" on the "I'm Thankful Network" on Mondays at 9:00 A.M. PST)

Honesty

Honesty. Most of us have a bunch of different feelings wrapped around that term. It can be something we expect from others, but it is often a very hard thing to give to them.

I'm going to be on a internet radio show about adoption. I sent my summary to the grown daughter that I gave up for adoption to check with her first before going on air. This brought out a lot of feelings or at least some communicating about feelings that may have already been there. That is a good thing, a very good thing!

In the MBTI Personality system, my daughter and I are both NF's (iNtuitive Feelers). We hate conflict. I hate getting in trouble. I feel it physically alarm my system in a BIG way = ugh, ick, and eek! Honesty opens us up to this feeling being a possible consequence when the other party reacts. Introverted NF's would rather bite our tongues and pretend that things are hunky dory than express our own feelings about something.

My husband is also an INF. I told him that NF's often pretend things are okay until it builds up too far and then we are done, never to return to fix anything. We give our all before this point and have no more energy left. I didn't want each of us to be biting our tongues and then have the blood soak us until one of us gives up. So we decided to be honest from the beginning.

Honesty felt awkward, especially at first. But soon, we started noticing the problem solving that helped address the issue was easier when less emotion/resentment was involved. We began feeling heard and respected. One time my husband thanked me for sticking to our solution. I said, "That's what you get for communicating!" Our relationship has benefited from the openness, vulnerability, sharing, UNDERSTANDING, and intimacy that comes as a result of listening quietly while someone is being honest and NOT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

Anyway, I am so grateful that my daughter was brave enough to be honest! Her birth family is in a prime position to understand her as she is today, if she is honest. We do not have pages of history to use to form opinions about who she is based on what she was before.

I look forward to understanding her better with this new information about her feelings and thoughts and desires.